


The Alexander Swallowtail

by Join_the_Masquerade



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Domestic Violence, F/M, Minor Character Death, References to Drugs, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-02
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2019-10-02 21:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 12,015
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17271656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Join_the_Masquerade/pseuds/Join_the_Masquerade
Summary: Alison Wilkins and Mikey Way have been inseparable for as far back as she can remember. Family issues and a natural bond helped shape their friendship together, but when Mikey finds he has a new girl in his life, who will Alison turn to?





	1. One

I remember being very young when I first met the Way brothers.

It was the middle of winter. I was staring out the window at the snow as it fell, feeling a little bit hurt because my mum had promised to make a snowman with me before it got dark. But the sun was starting to set. The sky was becoming a slightly darker shade of grey with each passing moment as I sat in that chair by the window and sighed, not really understanding why I’d been dumped at some near-stranger’s house. Not really understanding why my new friends were so eager to share their toys with me. Definitely not understanding why my mother didn’t come to collect me for several days and why I’d had to sleep in Mikey’s bed, and him in his parents’.

Sometimes I wish I’d been a little older, and capable of understanding. Other times, I was glad I hadn’t had to deal with my father’s passing so much. But it meant that I also hadn’t understood the phone calls my mum would make when the moon was still high in the sky, and why when I went downstairs to find her sitting in the small space of the pantry with the phone, her face a distraught mess, she would be screaming for me to go back to bed.

As I grew up, I began to learn the pattern my mother seemed to lead. I could almost call the exact night that there’d be paramedics busting down the front door. I’d woken with a fright the first few times, getting used to it as time went on, until I started packing my own things in my overnight bag and heading downstairs by myself, readying my lies to tell Mrs Way who, of course, was already aware of what was going on, regardless of how many times I’d told her mummy just wasn’t feeling well. I was only ten.

I remember another day, one filled with distress and confusion, but not only for me this time. Mrs Way had taken me to the hospital to see my mum, still there after a week – much longer than any other time. There were two really nice ladies in her room waiting for me to get there, who I decided after a short while were not all they seemed. You see, they wanted to take my mother away from me, as if the limited time I had with her was still too much. I knew now why they’d been sent to talk to us, and how lucky I was, in a way, to still be living with my mother after all these years. Because it might have been much worse. That conversation in the hospital had been a sort of turning point for my mother. I could count on the one hand after that day the times she'd been back to the hospital since.

I tore my eyes from my parents’ wedding photo, still hanging in the hall after all this time. Mrs Way was by my mother’s side, one of her bridesmaids back in the day, with her hair up all pretty like I’d never seen it before. My mother told me a few years ago that the reason she was so fat in that photo was because she’d been pregnant with Gerard. I found myself oddly jealous that he’d attended my parents’ wedding, in a way, and I hadn’t.

I continued to the lounge room where Mikey was waiting for me to come back with the snacks, his finger still patiently hovering over the play button on the remote. I wasn’t sure how, through everything, we were still friends, but I was sure I loved it. I remembered all the nights I spent over at his when we’d play hide and seek until bedtime, and then as we got older, started watching movies until we couldn’t hold our eyes open any longer. We’d drag his mattress into the lounge room and sleep there without interruption until the early afternoon, when one of us would wake up and get to decide then how to wake the other. His mattress was in the lounge room for months on end at one point, when I’d had to stay a little longer. I tried not to think of that visit – the time I’d almost lost my mother. Again. Though this time it hadn’t been the alcohol or the pills but rather an unpleasant fellow by the name of Bill, who seemed to think it okay to take a swing at a thirteen year old girl for being slightly out of line. Well, quite out of line. I could admit I’d grown up a little bit lippy, but I’d had to. I’d had to learn to survive, or else the universe might have swallowed me up by now. Sometimes, I felt the edges beginning to curl towards me, threatening me with my own insignificance.

I leaned in towards Mikey as we watched the movie, which I almost regretted picking as it appeared it was going to be a romance. But Mikey wasn’t making his clever remarks as he usually would, and telling me he could take a quick run down the street and grab one of Gerard’s videos to watch instead, which were always pretty interesting. I heard him sigh before he pushed himself up to face me, his mouth opening and closing a few times before he could finally get his words out.

And I don’t know how it happened, but Mikey Way had a girlfriend. Mikey Way had a girlfriend, and I’d yet to even have gone on a proper date. As much as I hated it, my mind immediately imagined how for the first time in forever, things were going to change. As selfish as it was, I already hated whoever she was for taking Mikey away from me as I could only imagine she would. All anyone seemed to ever want to do was to take away those that mattered most.


	2. Two

It was almost unbearable, the way I could feel us slipping away from one another already. This had been my third visit to the bathroom and we were only at lunch. But I couldn’t look at them any longer. I wanted my place back beside Mikey, so I could be the one poking him in the side when he fell quiet, and whispering little obscenities into his ear as certain people passed us by. I felt replaced. Was I that expendable?

It hurt to hear Mikey retelling the jokes I thought had been only ours. It confused me when Clarissa seemed to be finding them just as funny as we had. I hated the jealousy that I was having to swallow, but letting it out seemed far too dangerous. There were rumours that would float about, occasionally making the hot topic for notes passed in class if Mikey and I were caught sitting a little closer together than usual, usually after a hard night, or a fight he’d had with some jerk on the hocky team. We were close, and we’d have readily admitted that, but it wasn’t how people wanted to think it was. I hated the way my face would heat up every time someone mentioned it. I hated that Clarissa was surely aware of the stories that circulated, and of the way I found her looking at me. It was almost in pity.

It wasn’t the same look I got from a few other girls in my home group as I entered the bathroom, finding them sharing a smoke by the little window, blowing their puffs outside as to not have the smell carry to the hallway. I’d always found them kind of cool, in a way I might not have had I had a reliable parental figure to teach me otherwise. I had only Mikey to teach me right from wrong, and he’d done a pretty decent job of that so far. He hated the idea of smoking, and of drinking, mainly because Gerard did both. It seemed to hurt him, knowing this, but sometimes I didn’t see the big deal. Then again, I was used to the empty bottles lying around the house. I’d been living with it for most of my life, and could tell Mikey that it wasn’t the worst thing someone could do to themselves. By far. But he seemed to have a contrary opinion every time.

“What are you gonna do now that your boyfriend is dating someone else?” one of them asked, her lips curled into an unpleasant kind of smile. I didn’t answer. I knew better than that. “She probably wouldn’t put out for him so he dumped her for Clarissa.” That part was much harder to swallow. It was an incorrect yet undisputed fact at Belleville High that at some point, Mikey and I had hooked up. I could never defend myself without sounding like a prude, and Mikey the same, and so for the most part we let the rumours go and ignored what people would think. My mind stuck to the last part of her sentence, and I couldn’t help but think that Clarissa was more put out than I was. Did this make a girl more desirable? Was that something that Mikey liked in her?

“You know, you’re the only girl in our grade that’s never had a boyfriend, Alison.” The shorter of the girls tsked at me as I passed them, not willing to listen to them anymore than I was willing to watch Mikey and Clarissa giggling together. There weren’t a lot of other places to go, and so I found myself sitting in Math class 20 minutes early, attempting to finish my homework before Mr Rodgers came in to find I’d not done it. I’d usually copy from Mikey, but had a feeling he’d been too preoccupied with other things to finish doing his, too.  
As I finally made it home for the day and walked through the front door, I was greeted with a sickly sweet perfume. I knew what that meant.

“What time are you going out?” I yelled out, unsure as to exactly where my mother was.

“Oh, about half six. You can have the left over pizza from last night for dinner, okay?” I wasn’t particularly hungry anyway. “Would you mind calling Mikey around? You know how I don’t like to leave you alone in the house all night,” she then called, rounding the corner as she combed out her damp hair.

“He’s busy.”

“Busy? Since when has Mikey been busy?” I just shrugged, not wanting to explain everything. It always drove me insane when she’d tease about Mikey and I one day ending up together, and I didn’t want to give her any fuel for her theory, knowing there was no way I’d be able to explain that he’d rather be spending time with his girlfriend without jealousy being heard in my tone.

“I have homework to do anyway. I guess I’ll get a start on that.” My mother pursed her lips briefly before finally appearing to let it go.

“Well, I shouldn’t be out all night. Just for dinner and a coffee.”

“What’s his name?” I asked, though I didn’t really care. By the same time next week, there’d be a different one.

“Kyle,” she said, a little smile playing on her lips. “He’s taking me out to that little Italian place I’ve always wanted to go to, you know, with the unaffordable menu. He’s paying.” I smiled and gave her a quick hug as I wished her a good time and slowly ascended the stairs, dragging my bag up each step behind me with a small thud as it landed each time.

I sat in my room with the radio on for a while, not really listening to it, just staring at my bag and coming to realise that willing my books to me from the other side of the room wasn’t working to get anything done. I was too miserable. Mikey hadn’t even walked home with me – he’d wanted to go over Clarissa’s place instead. I was almost surprised when I felt my heart sink in my chest. What if this was it? What if this was our time finally up? It’d been great… almost too great… and I had to admit I hadn’t been prepared for it to end like it appeared to be ending. I knew we couldn’t stay like we were forever. We had to grow up. We had to branch out and make new friends. Only, I had no interest in befriending anyone else. I was almost certain that if I were to make a new friend, they’d have to be exactly like Mikey. But there was only one Mikey Way in this world.

I found myself walking the all-too familiar path a few houses down, and knocking on my favourite door in the street. I was certain Mikey wasn’t going to be home just yet, being only 8PM, but I had to see a nice face. Mrs Way opened the door and her face immediately turned from a smile to one of concern as she reached out towards me to envelope me in her arms.

“My dear, why are you crying? Is it your mother?” I shook my head, and felt her frown against my face. “Tell me what the matter is?” I loved Mrs Way. We weren’t all too close, with her seeming to know when to stay out of Mikey and I’s lives, but she also knew when she had to intervene. It was a rare gift to have and I would be forever grateful for her sharing it with me.

“Mikey has a girlfriend,” I cried, now positive of how I must have sounded.

“I know, honey. Listen, you stay here tonight, okay? I’ll make Gerard’s bed for you and you can sleep there. I’m pretty sure he won’t be coming home.” I nodded against her, trying to stop my tears and almost succeeding until she pulled away from me to gather some clean sheets.

I stood awkwardly in the doorway to Gerard’s room as I watched Mrs Way change Gerard’s bed linen and attempt to hide the underpants he’d left lying around by sliding them beneath his bed with her foot as she hummed a gentle tune.

“There, all done. Do you want me to make you some hot cocoa?” I shook my head, not wanting to burden her with having to look after me because my own mother wasn’t home to help. “I grabbed your pyjamas out from the cupboard. You left them here a few weeks ago so I washed them for you. You go ahead and change and let me know if you need anything. Have a good night’s sleep, honey.”

“Thanks.” I was horrified by the sound of my own voice as it broke and crackled and expressed the kind of hurt I wish I could have kept hidden. Mrs Way gave me a little smile before she switched the light off and closed the door, leaving me with Gerard’s Batman nightlight glowing dimly in the corner to get changed with, which I soon turned off, knowing the light would keep me awake as I stared at all the posters and sketches that covered Gerard’s bedroom walls. I hadn’t been in his bedroom since I was very young, when we used to use the whole house to play murder in the dark together. Back then, his room had shown the plain pale blue colour of the walls like Mikey’s still did, and it had me a little less interested.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooh, guess who comes in next chapter? :)
> 
> Also, I totally reckon Gerard would have had a batman nightlight when he was younger, that he probably kept for far too long.


	3. Three

I found my dreams were almost impossible to remember the instant I’d open my eyes, never sure as to what would provoke the tiny hairs to stand on the back of my neck. I almost forget where I was until the smell of new sheets mixed with someone’s personal scent filled my head. I felt my eyelids dipping and my muscles relaxing once more but the sound of the bedroom door opening and closing made my eyes widen. Mrs Way had said Gerard wouldn’t be home. I could almost taste my uneasiness as I thought of something to say, and wondered if it was light enough out yet to start walking back home. It wasn’t that I thought he wouldn’t understand it was just that, in all the times I’d slept at the Ways’ house, the only person’s mattress I’d ever stolen was Mikey’s. I’d known Gerard for years, of course, but only at a distance. Through a haze. We didn’t really talk much anymore as he was always out and my first point of interest when I entered the house had always been by Mikey’s side. I felt like a kid in his presence, though in reality he wasn’t too much older. I guess his lack of communication in return with me had its own reasons, too.

I could just make out his silhouette as he stumbled around in the dark, listening as he rustled around at his desk for something, found it, and then tilted his head backwards as he appeared to have swallowed something. I’d had no idea he was on any sort of medication but then, there was a lot I didn’t know about him.

I felt the mattress dip as he sat down to take off his shoes, and then tensed as he laid down beside me, still in his clothes, our arms almost touching as he did so. I wasn’t prepared for the shriek that would leave his mouth as he rolled over and fell into me.

“Who’s this? Mikey?” he spoke as he sprung back up, the confusion straining his tired voice.

“Your mum said you wouldn’t be home.”

“Alison?”

“I’m so sorry. I can take the couch?” He paused for a moment and I watched as it appeared he was trying to physically hold his head together.

“I’m too fuckin’ drunk to deal with this right now,” he admitted, sitting down on his bed once more and lying where he’d been before he rolled into me. “Just stay, and we’ll share, m’kay?” I could hear the fatigue in his voice which was affirmed as he let out a yawn. I could smell the liquor on his breath. I wondered the time.

“Thanks, Gerard.”

“Mmm.” And with that last syllable, he was already asleep, but it would take me some time. I listened to his gentle breathing, which turned into light snoring, and it comforted me in an odd way. I started to imagine it was just another night spent sleeping on the lounge room floor with Mikey after having watched a few movies. I tried not to remember the times we’d sometimes share a friendly cuddle, because I didn’t see that happening from now on. He had someone else to cuddle. Eventually I must have found sleep, but it hadn’t been very peaceful.  
I was vaguely aware of the click of Gerard’s bedroom door as someone closed it, figuring it had been Mrs Way checking on me, not really wanting to know what she thought of the way Gerard appeared to have scooped me up in his sleep. I found it oddly comfortable as he lay with his chest flush against my back, with one arm draped over my side and the other snaked beneath me. I listened as he slept on, his breathing sounding steady in my ear, already aware that he was a heavy sleeper after the many times Mikey and I had stayed up late without hearing a peep out of him as we giggled ourselves silly from the next room over. The way his chest was moving rhythmically against my back lulled me back to sleep for a while until the rhythm became more sporadic, and it became apparent that Gerard was trying to slowly remove his arm from beneath me. I heard him let out a sigh as he finally released himself, with no help from me as I pretended to be fast asleep, not wanting to have that awkward conversation. He quietly exited the room and I heard as he stumbled his way down the hall and no doubt glued himself to the coffee pot for the next 2 hours.

I couldn’t fall back asleep after that. The sound of voices coming from the kitchen was too distracting, and I felt like I was intruding a little. I didn’t want to be in anyone’s way. I slid myself out of bed and started getting changed, my eyes darting to the door every time I heard the smallest of noises. I balled my pyjamas up in my arms and exited Gerard’s bedroom, the bright light in the hallway blinding me for just a moment. Mrs Way gave me a soft laugh as I stood with my hand over my face, attempting to make clearer the shapes I was seeing.

“Did you sleep well honey?” I nodded my head, my fingers tightly gripping my pyjamas as I stood in the kitchen, painfully aware of Gerard’s eyes on me and unaware if I was meant to apologise again or not. “I should have left Gerard a note to sleep on the couch if he was coming home,” she said, letting certain words linger as her tone said things that were clearly supposed to be only between them. Gerard looked down, seeming a little upset by it. I wondered if she was mad that Gerard had slept next to me, or simply digging at Gerard because he was never home.

“Thanks for letting me stay. I’m uhh… gonna head off. I should check on my mum, and all that…”

“Alright, dear. Don’t hesitate to call over again.” She smiled her wonderful smile and walked me to the door, giving me a warm hug before I left.

I walked back home, relieved in a way to see that my mother’s car was in the drive. It was nice of her to have kept her word of coming home for once.


	4. Four

It was weird, but nice, to see my mother having such a good time lately. Every couple of days she would be out of the house seeing this Kyle of hers and when she got home, she was always ecstatic. I used to be too young to understand what it might have meant when she didn’t come home one night after a date and called Mrs Way to pick me up instead, who would give me various excuses for her not being home. Now, I was old enough to make up my own mind on what it all meant. I figured that as long as she was happy, then it was none of my concern. I was old enough to look after myself now. It was less of a concern if she wasn’t there in the morning before I had to get to school.

Sometimes, it hurt to remember the kind of mother she’d been to me. Other times, I could only remember all the great times we’d had.

I’d been wondering a little at first why she hadn’t brought Kyle around to meet me as of yet, seeing as they’d been seeing one another for a few weeks and things seemed semi-serious. I had to admit that I’d been a tiny bit jealous when she’d so casually mentioned that she was taking Mr and Mrs Way out on Saturday for a double date to introduce them to him. This news was slightly easier to take however, when Mikey had invited me to his place for a movie night whilst they were away. I thought about my mother’s methods for a long while and it brought my mind back to the last proper relationship she’d had, with Bill, and of how that had turned out for everyone. I remembered how hard my mother had cried when she discovered the bruises he’d inflicted upon me. I suddenly understood a little better her reasoning behind not wanting to introduce me to someone else just yet.

I was vaguely aware of her making dinner in the kitchen quietly as I sat at the dining table with my homework sprawled out across the tabletop, when I started to find my mind was wandering. It was no surprise as to where it’d gone to once again. I hated that Mikey wasn’t sitting across from me as we helped one another with our assignments like we usually did, but I was beginning to understand it. Clarissa… as much as I wanted to hate her, I simply couldn’t. I watched the way she made him smile and listened as her name was mentioned in every second sentence that gushed from Mikey’s mouth. Secretly, I wanted that. I wanted to be completely and utterly obsessed with someone.

It felt like everybody suddenly had somebody else. Everybody, except for me.

My mother placed a single plate down beside me, disturbing my line of thought.

“How come you’re not eating? Are you seeing Kyle again?” She smiled at my words but brought her hand up to her forehead, gently holding her palm against her temple.

“I’m actually not feeling very well. I might go have a lay down, love. Make sure the house is locked up before you go to bed, okay?” I agreed, deciding to keep my snide remarks to myself after being told to lock the house up, something I’d been doing for years now without needing a reminder. You could never be too safe in Jersey. We said our goodnights and I watched as she made her way to her bedroom, slowly, fatigue having suddenly crept up on her. My eyes travelled back to the notably blank page that sat in front of me with an unanswered essay question at the top, which I glared at as I ate my dinner, wishing Mikey had been there even more so now as I knew he’d know exactly what to do.  
My mood was at a high as I walked down the road with my hands in my pockets to shield me somewhat from the wintery wind that had picked up. My mother and Mr and Mrs Way had left a few hours ago for their double date to meet Kyle, and I was looking forward to hearing about how it went. I knocked at Mikey’s door and waited patiently to be let inside, knocking again once I realised he hadn’t heard me. Gerard opened the door a few moments later, the sympathetic look on his face showing through his mess of hair.

“You here for Mikey?”

“Of course.” It looked like I’d woken him up but then, he always gave off that half-awake vibe whenever I saw him wandering around. Sometimes, I thought it was perhaps because he came across as such a quiet person. They were both a bit like that. Sometimes we weren’t even aware he was in the room until we caught him stalking away with a book in one hand, his coffee in the other, muttering something about not being able to read over our racket.

“They’re in the lounge room,” he said, opening the door wider to let me in, that look still on his face as he watched me pass. All I could think about as I made my way inside was that I didn’t remember Mikey telling me he’d invited someone else to our movie night. Then, I was pretty sure I already knew who it would be.

“Alison! You’re early?”

“No...”

“Oh...”

“I guess time flies when you’re having fun!” Clarissa chimed in from her place on top of Mikey’s lap, her fingers affectionately twirling in his hair. They both giggled and I joined in awkwardly. This was going to be an interesting night.


	5. Five

I sometimes wondered if how I was feeling ever showed on the outside. I wanted to throw up. I could feel my hands shaking as I took the other couch across from Mikey and Clarissa, who had slid off of Mikey’s lap for the time being to sit beside him. He definitely hadn’t told me she’d be here, I’d decided. I thought we were going to have some time to spend together. My sadness was quick to turn to bitter disappointment.

Mikey got up to put on a movie and I was almost disappointed that it wasn’t one of Gerard’s strange ones. The title flashed on the screen and I realised that it must have been something Clarissa had brought over.

“I think you’ll like this one, Alison.” I returned her smile as she spoke to me from across the room. I didn’t want to like it. I wanted to hate it as much as I wanted to hate her.

I saw Gerard walking past in the background, who to my surprise, screwed up his nose as he saw that Mikey and Clarissa had gone back to cuddling. I widened my eyes in a sort of silent plea for him to come join us, because I didn’t think I could do this alone. I wanted to screw my face up, too. I saw him let out a long sigh before he plodded over to where I sat and joined me on the couch.

“So what’s this about?” he asked Mikey, who simply shrugged. Gerard sighed again from his place beside me. “You owe me one, kiddo,” he whispered into my ear as he relaxed into his seat, looking about as determined as I was to hate the movie with a passion. I felt an odd warmth spread across my skin as Gerard kept his face close to mine.

We weren’t watching an erotic movie by any means and yet Mikey and Clarissa had still managed to find themselves attached to one another’s face. I had to hold back my giggles as Gerard shifted uncomfortably on the couch beside me, his eyes boring holes into the side of my face as I kept mine on the TV with great determination, not really wanting to see him mentally chewing me out for making him sit through a good half hour now of watching his brother making out.

The movie finally finished, and it hadn’t been so bad after all, though I couldn’t tell if my concentration had been on the movie because it was a good movie, or because I didn’t want to concentrate on everything else that had been happening around me.

“The ending always gets me. Didn’t you think it was a good ending, Mikey?”

“Yeah, great ending. Could hardly believe it.” It seemed Gerard couldn’t hold it back any longer as he burst out laughing. Mikey’s frowning was doing nothing to help.

“What’s so funny?” he questioned. But I knew. I, too, wondered how it was that Mikey had seen the ending through his closed eyelids as he kissed Clarissa throughout it, hardly knowing the movie had ended until the loud music began to play through the credits.

“We’re gonna go get pizza,” Gerard said once he finally calmed down enough to speak, ignoring Mikey’s question and grabbing me by the arm on his way out of the room.

“You can thank me later for not leaving you there alone with the love birds,” Gerard said as we got to the hallway. I watched him ruffle his already pretty ruffled hair in the mirror before we left. He grabbed his car keys and the money Mrs Way had left us for dinner on our way out the door.

“She makes you uncomfortable, doesn’t she?” Gerard asked, though seemed to have already found the answer. “It’s only natural to feel that way. I mean, you and Mikey, well…”

“Stop.” He raised his eyebrows, sneaking a glance across at me for a moment as he drove.

“What? You’re not close? You two grew up together. He used to cry when you went home.”

“Wait, really?”

“He was always worried you wouldn’t want to come over again. I guess he was too young to really understand why you sometimes seemed upset.” I paused for a moment. I hadn’t realised that Gerard had ever paid that much attention. In every memory I had, he was pushed off into the far distance. He was a shadow on the wall, an echo in the void.

“My point was that you shouldn’t worry too much about this girlfriend of his,” Gerard continued, pulling into the carpark of the pizzeria. “You mean more to him than he lets on. Trust me.”

“Thanks, Gerard,” I murmured. I wasn’t sure what to make of everything he was telling me.

“But seriously. Did you see them making out? Kid has no idea what he’s doing,” Gerard laughed, getting out of his car and leaving me blushing as I wondered how Gerard did.


	6. Six

I took a seat on top of the concrete ledge outside the pizzeria as Gerard went in to order for everyone, paying the cashier before coming back outside to join me. I watched as he pulled his smokes from his back pocket and lit one up, his eyelashes casting long shadows across his face in the dark from the flame of the lighter. There must have been a light out somewhere.

“Talking about people that make you uncomfortable…” Gerard muttered, his eyes gliding over to where a few girls from my year were walking into the building. I recognised them as those in my home group, though they looked different outside of school. They looked much older, with their painted lips and much shorter than usual skirts. I was immediately reminded of the way they lashed out at me in the bathroom that one time after Mikey and Clarissa had first started dating. I couldn’t help but notice the way they were looking and whispering at us.

“What’s their problem?” I said after they’d left.

“It’s not with you. It’s with me.”

“With you? They don’t even know you. They’re in mine and Mikey’s year at school.” Gerard screwed up his nose.

“I never knew that. Wow.”

“How do they know you?” Gerard shifted around uncomfortably as he took a few more drags from his cigarette, seeming to be debating with himself whether he wanted to tell me or not.

“The taller one, Roxanne, I met her once when I was out. I mean I’d figured she was underage and using a fake ID but whatever, y’know? Everyone’s done that. But then we ended up back at my car and things were getting heavy before I remembered that we were drunk and I wasn’t looking at the situation with clarity. I mean, I didn’t want her to think I was leading her on or anything. I usually go for older girls, ones that know the difference between a once off fuck and the beginning of a relationship. And I was right, because Roxanne didn’t seem to understand that at all. She took rejection very personally.”

“Ohh…” I didn’t know what to say. There he was, spilling intimate details to me, and all I could do was wonder why he’d chosen her. Of course, everyone seemed to go for girls like that. Pretty girls. Dangerous girls.

“I mean, not that I sleep around or anything,” he added quietly, looking down to the ground for a moment as a blush crept across his cheeks. “She ended up befriending an old mate of mine just to know where I’d be on the weekends. It was… well it was tragic. No one’s worth chasing to the point of desperation, especially me.” Gerard flicked his cigarette butt to the floor and turned around to watch the people that were entering and leaving the building.

“What makes you say that?”

“I dunno.” We stood in silence for a moment, knowing our pizzas were probably ready by now but also realising that Roxanne and her friends hadn’t left the building yet.

“Do you want me to go in?” I finally asked, watching Gerard scan the windows.

“Nah, I got this.” He walked off then, and I watched as he weaved his way through the small crowd inside to get to the front counter, grabbing our order and weaving back through the same way. The smile on his face as he opened the door surprised me somewhat.

“What’s so funny?” I asked, helping him carry the pizzas.

“Roxanne just called me an asshole,” he said, laughing lightly as we made our way back to his car. “I mean, so fucking what, you know? Whatever.”

I held the pizzas on my lap as Gerard drove us back home, his gentle humming along to the tape in his deck filling my ears as I watched the trees whirr past out the window.

_“I don’t wanna be buried, in a pet sematary. I don’t want to live my life again.”_ I’d never heard Gerard singing before. I felt a shiver run up my spine as he continued, surprised by the sounds he could make and how they were making my hairs stand on end.

“Why would they be buried in a pet cemetery?” I asked, which seemed to excite Gerard.

“You mean to tell me you’ve never read Stephen King’s Pet Sematary!? Wow…” I waited for him to continue. “There’s a movie, too. I think I might have it. We have to watch it sometime.”

“Okay,” I agreed, smiling at Gerard’s excitement. I was curious. Gerard Way had me curious.


	7. Seven

I could hear my heart in my ears and feel my stomach in my ass as I rushed up the hallway to get to my locker, pretending to be too busy to have noticed them following me all the way. I found the book I'd forgotten for class and jumped as someone else slammed my locker shut for me.

“What were you doing with that guy on Saturday night?” one of the girls snapped at me. Behind them I could see Roxanne, her makeup a mess from all the crying she was doing. I had a feeling I knew what was about to go down.

“You mean Gerard?” I tried to keep my voice from quivering. I'd never been in a fight at school before, but I could feel the tension building in the air between us.

“I told you she wasn't just standing there by coincidence! He has a girlfriend and never even told me!” I was completely confused by this point, watching as Roxanne's friends quietly comforted her for a moment. One minute they were teasing me because I’d never had a boyfriend, and now they were accusing me of having one when I didn’t. And to make it ten times worse, it was Gerard that they were accusing me of going round with. I didn’t need that rumour to find its way to Mikey. I didn’t feel like answering the questions it would surely raise… and I hated to imagine who else might find out. I wasn’t sure why the idea of Gerard asking me how he’d heard about this made me feel so queasy.

“Girls!” Our heads turned to find Mrs Braiden having just turned the corner to find us standing around in the middle of class time. “Get back to class. Now!” I was quick to take that opportunity and slipped past her, taking a quick glance back to find her with her hand on Roxanne's shoulder, saying quiet words to her as the other girls stalked off with dirty scowls covering their faces.

It had been a close call. Though I was feeling a little bit uneasy of how my lack of denying their assumption might come back to bite me, I was glad I still had my face intact. I imagined the rumours of that particular instance would have been far worse. First I was dating Mikey, and now I was fighting over his brother? No, I didn’t need that kind of rumour going around. I was tired of the rumours. We were getting too old to carry on like that.

I felt a little sorry for Roxanne in a way but then, she seemed determined from the start to believe what she would. I doubted there was anything I could have told her to convince her that Gerard was just a friend. I mean, we hardly knew one another really. The longer I thought about it the more holes would appear in my knowledge of Gerard’s person.

I got back to class as fast as my feet would take me there and quietly took my seat once more, feeling as Mikey nudged me in the side. I rolled my eyes as he passed me a crinkled piece of paper, no doubt the note he'd been passing back and forth with Clarissa all lesson with me in the middle of it as soon as Mikey had figured out that I could reach across that far. I begrudgingly passed it along a few more times for them as I read, not really getting any actual reading done between their giggling and my own thoughts interrupting me every few sentences. I wondered how long Mikey and Clarissa would last, and if I’d really be any happier if they broke up. Nothing could ever be the same now.

The bell rang and in the rush of things, I'd been stuck with their note. They linked hands as they walked off to lunch together and although I knew I shouldn't have, I slowly began to unfold it.

I was almost surprised with the way Mikey was talking to her. I immediately felt the guilt rise as I realised this was private. These must have been the kinds of conversations they’d have in secret, when they knew no one was around to hear them.

_I love you too._

I don’t know why the idea of Mikey being in love was so hard for me to swallow. He’d never shown me this side of him before. Ever. We never sat down and talked about girls, or boys, or anything of the sort. And yet here he was, feeling these things I never imagined him to be capable of; saying these things like they were easy things to say.

I walked home the long way that afternoon, needing a little time to think before I was to be thrown into my mother’s little world. I was glad she’d had a good time out on Saturday, and that apparently the Ways had thought Kyle seemed like a nice guy. Despite all that, I was still annoyed that she hadn’t thought to introduce me yet. Was I not important in anybody’s life anymore? I grunted at myself for the way my thoughts were spiraling downhill so fast. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I just wanted to be happy for everybody. Why was that so hard?

I looked up as I rounded the last street corner and my steps slowed dramatically as I saw a mop of black hair poking above the patio railing. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as I rounded the front garden and walked up the path to find Gerard with a book in hand as he leaned against his bag on the patio floor. His smile that formed as he saw me walking up relaxed me a little, and I remembered to keep breathing.

“Hey,” I said, edging my word with a hint of uncertainty.

“Hey.” I watched as he put his bookmark into his current page and shoved his book back into his satchel, dusting the back of his jacket off as he stood up. “I’ve started reading Pet Sematary again.”

“I’m reading The Catcher in the Rye for school.”

“That’s a good book too.” We stood for a moment in silence as I tried to figure him out.

“So uhh, what did you want?” That smile formed on his face again, though this time with a hint of playfulness. My heart was pounding again. I couldn’t shake the idea of him having heard something already. I kept telling myself that I’d done nothing wrong.

“Well I was just stopping by on my way back from Art School. What took you so long? Mikey walked past like, half an hour ago.” I just shrugged, not really wanting to talk about it. “Well remember when you made me sit with you guys and watch that shitty movie?”

“It wasn’t so bad.”

“It was shit. Anyway, I figured out how you can repay your debt to me for sitting through that, and watching Mikey playing tonsil hockey.” He screwed up his face and jabbed me in the arm lightly before he began to walk off. “You coming, or what?” he called out after me, waiting half way down my drive for me. I guess I was.


	8. Eight

I let my feet dangle freely in the air behind me as I lay on Gerard’s bed, flipping through book after book but not really feeling all that helpful. Gerard had a project for one of his classes that required him to research an art form and how it originated and a few other things that were too technical for me to understand, and hence had been forgotten the instant he’d spoken them.

“Why didn’t you choose something you’re already good at?” I asked, putting another book aside and picking up a new one from the pile of library books on the floor.

“Hey, who says I won’t be good at origami? And besides, I think if my teacher sees me drawing another comic she might kick me out of her class. This might impress her.”

“You have a nice voice. I mean, you can sing. You were singing that cemetery song on the weekend.”

“Thanks,” he muttered, his face turning an unexpected shade of pink.

“Why don’t you use your voice to do something?” Gerard simply shrugged and went back to taking notes. It was a little while later that he brought it up again, as if he’d been thinking about it all this time.

“I don’t feel all that comfortable singing. Just me and a guitar. I’m not that good. You’d hear the imperfections.”

“Maybe the imperfections would make it better. You know, like a personal style or something. Like Bob Dylan, or Amanda Palmer.”

“Maybe.” I had to smile a little as he continued to blush, his eyes not looking up from the notepad in front of him as he tapped his pen on the side of his desk. His hair would fall in his face and he’d leave it there for a while before he tucked it back behind his ear, as if he’d been too deep in thought over what he was doing to be interrupted like that.

I went back to reading through the book I had in front of me, looking for interesting little facts and then flipping through the various origami designs.

“Hey, look at this one,” I said, flipping the book the other way around so he could see. Finally, he looked at me.

“The Alexander Swallowtail…”

“It looks difficult… but there’s something nice about it, you know?”

“I like that one,” he agreed, giving me a tiny smile before turning back to his page. I tore off a piece of paper and made it into the neatest square I could without ripping the edges. It was a little bit funny that Gerard was doing a project on origami and hadn’t thought about purchasing any square paper for it. I mean, even I knew that square paper was the deal with most of these. I was suddenly very aware of his eyes on me as I began the first few folds, the both of us jumping as his bedroom door suddenly flung open.

“Hey Gerard have you seen my –” Mikey stopped speaking as he saw me. I felt like I was doing something wrong all of a sudden, like I wasn’t supposed to be hanging out with Gerard. By the look on his face, Mikey seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“I didn’t know you were here,” he said to me, his eyes then travelling to Gerard who again wasn’t lifting his head to look at people.

“You didn’t see me waiting outside her house earlier?” Gerard muttered, seeming a little bit annoyed all of a sudden. I wasn’t sure what that was about, or if it even made any sense at all.

“Why would I notice that?” Mikey asked, also seeming puzzled by Gerard’s sudden mood.

“I don’t fucking know, Mikey. What do you want? I’m trying to study.”

“Oh. Oh!” Mikey seemed to understand then what I was doing there, thought didn’t look totally convinced of his findings. “Anyway, have you seen my jacket?” Gerard shook his head. Mikey left after that, giving us another strange look as he closed the door behind himself. A long sigh left Gerard’s lips as he put his pen down and rested his temple on his hands looking down.

“I’m sorry, you know, for what he’s doing. Or not doing. He’s gone from walking you home from school every day for years and years to not even glancing across at your house to wonder if you got home safe.”

“I’m fine, Gerard. I’m quite capable of walking home by myself.”

“But that’s not the point, is it?” he said, lifting his face to look at me, and for some reason, it caused tears to well in my eyes. I knew what he was saying, but he was the wrong person that I wanted saying it. I wanted Mikey to notice how far we’d drifted in such little time. I wanted him to care as much as Gerard seemed to.

“I’ll be okay,” I said quietly. My tears fell and made little marks on the open page in front of me, still stuck on that swallowtail butterfly. Gerard got up from where he was sitting and sat down beside me, though a little awkwardly, and wrapped his arm around me as I tried my best to cry silently. But it wasn’t working, because the harder I shook the closer Gerard held me and the more it reminded me of those hard nights with Mikey in his place. I didn’t want to be upset, of course, but even if that were the deal I’d still give anything to be back in time.


	9. Nine

My mother didn’t come home that night, or the next. I was used to her erratic behaviour, though admittedly something didn’t feel right.

Mikey walked home with me from school on the Wednesday which was a surprising, although welcome, change. At first I thought something had happened between him and Clarissa, but it wasn’t really like that. I was sure I worsened our already strained friendship when I couldn’t find a reply to what he’d said. So, Clarissa wanted to be better friends with me. She wanted to hang out on the weekend, just us two. I had nothing to say to that, and so I remained silent until we got to our street. He dropped the subject. I felt like such an asshole.

It wasn’t that I hated her. I’d found by now that I simple couldn’t – there was something about her that I wanted to like; perhaps it was just that she hadn’t really done anything wrong. We had quite a bit in common sometimes. She’d make little jokes and I’d find myself giggling when no one else did. She was always sending me kind smiles, and was the first to make room for me at our lunch table when I got there. She was too nice to me, considering how I sometimes wanted to act in return.

“Well anyway, my mum wants to speak to you,” Mikey had said. “It’s important.” Those were pretty much the only words I remember being spoken to me between then and now, mostly because of how hurt Mikey had sounded. He’d been quick to leave me with Mrs Way after that.

As I leaned against the wall in the hallway I thought about Mikey and how all we’d been doing lately was hurting one another. I needed him. I wanted to be able to tell him that. I felt the tears as they ran down my face and wiped them away quickly before I went to check on my mother in bed.

She’d fallen. That was all. Kyle had been there. I hated the way I’d exploded at him when he brought her home. He was still guiding my mother inside and into her room when I’d been screaming at him.

_'How dare you hurt my mother! How dare you hurt her!'_

Of course, that hadn’t been the case. She really had just simply… fallen. The hospital ran so many tests on her whilst she was there, but she told me not to worry. She said she’d been tired lately, maybe stressed, and that it would all be okay.

“Are you awake?” I whispered as I pushed on her bedroom door, finding her leaned up against the headboard reading a book. She looked much better today. “I have to get to school but I made you breakfast.”

“Thank you, Alison. Don’t be late will you?” I shook my head and hurried off, not wanting her to be stressing any more than she had to. School would be a struggle, though Fridays were always tough.  
Needless to say that I’d been walking myself home alone again since Mikey and I’s failed conversation on Wednesday. We were barely talking at school now, though Clarissa would try and encourage it by engaging us both. I was thankful for her doing that, in a way. Those moments were the only ones I had where I could pretend everything was still okay. I could pretend nothing was wrong. Mikey never mentioned my mum at school and as no one had asked, I assumed he hadn’t mentioned it to anyone else, either.

As I was walking home, I was graced with a familiar sight on my porch. Gerard put his bookmark in his page and got back up, though his smile was missing this time round.

“How’s your mum?” he asked, scratching the back of his head almost nervously.

“She’s doing better. She seemed okay this morning. She was up and about all last night.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” There was a small silence as Gerard felt around in his pockets for his smokes, lighting one up and pulling my arm to get me to follow his stride.

“Listen,” he began, exhaling his smoke up into the sky. “I thought you might want a break from things. I found my copy of Pet Sematary and wondered if you wanted to watch it tonight? Mikey’s out…”

“Listen, Gerard. I don’t need your charity. Did your mum put you up to this?” He seemed utterly puzzled by my accusation.

“What? Why would my mum suggest that I get you to watch horror movies with me? If anything, she’d be entirely against the idea. I know Mikey would be…”

“What? Why?”

“It hardly matters. I mean, I like hanging out with you.” It felt nice that someone wanted my company, as lousy as it would probably turn out to be. “So?” I found myself wandering a small distance behind Gerard as he walked us over to his, pausing on his own porch to finish off his smoke. I watched as he sucked on the end and how his cheeks would hollow. He had tiny teeth which would show when he spoke from the corner of his mouth, or laughed, or did the both of those combined. I wasn’t really sure what he was talking about anymore, just that his lips were moving and for the first time in my life, I wondered what it’d be like if they were to move against my own.


	10. Ten

Gerard had insisted we wait until dark to watch the movie, and so we’d spent a little more time going through origami books until dinner was ready. Mrs Way seemed happy that I’d joined them for dinner. She asked how my mum was, and told me to call her before we started our movie, as not to worry her. I usually wouldn’t have bothered but given the circumstances, I made a quick call home. She seemed surprised when I told her I was hanging out with Gerard, but didn’t say much more about it.

I sat in relative silence as Gerard set up his little TV in the corner of his room, pushing a pile of clothes to the side and moving a stack of comics that had been resting on top.

“You don’t watch many movies?” I asked, scooting backwards to rest my back against the wall.

“I don’t usually have the time.”

“What makes this weekend so different?”

“Well I was gonna go out. It’s complicated. I know I shouldn’t but it’s like... addicting or something.”

“Going out?”

“Not so much the going out, but the alcohol. Getting drunk. Sometimes it’s nice to slip out of my own mind for a while, you know?” I didn’t really give him an answer, just a small nod, and even that was a lie. I didn’t know what it was like to get drunk. I’d seen my mother in a bad place one too many times to deem it worthwhile. It hurt a little bit to think of Gerard in a similar place, maybe, after having too much to drink. I recalled all the times Mikey had come to school looking like he hadn’t slept, being too worried about his older brother having not come home all weekend.

“Okay, I think I got it working,” Gerard said, taking a cautious step backwards as he pressed play on the remote. The opening titles came onto the screen and Gerard smiled at his own success. “I hope you like it. It’s the best.”

Gerard turned his bedroom light off and I felt shortly afterwards as he sat down on his bed beside me, pushing me forward a moment later to stuff a few pillows behind my back.

“Thanks.”

“Why didn’t you just sit long ways on my bed?”

“I didn’t want to fall asleep.” Gerard chuckled.

“Gee, thanks for having trust in my movie judgements,” he joked, jabbing me in the side gently as I smiled.  
I was sure I was going to have a heart attack. My hands gripped the blanket I’d stolen from where it had been resting at the end of Gerard’s bed and I was readying myself to pull it up over my eyes once more.

“This is such a good scene,” came Gerard’s whisper in my ear, which made the downy hairs on the back of my neck stand on end. I was terrified. You could see what was going to happen and I didn’t want to watch it all go down.

“Gerard, this is terrifying,” I managed to get out as he laughed, mocking me by holding the blanket up to his own chin. “I’m not fucking joking I don’t know if I can watch this anymore,” I admitted, and his face softened dramatically.

“Want me to turn it off? I can just tell you what happens instead if you’d like?” I nodded my head eagerly and felt a flood of relief wash over me as Gerard turned the TV off, then came back to sit beside me. In a few sentences he gave me a rough rundown of how it ended, which was exactly as expected.

“What a horrible movie,” I said, my fingers finally loosening their grip on the blanket. “Good though, but fuck.”

The light was still off but I could just barely make out Gerard’s features from the dim light that was coming in through the gap in the curtains from the street light, the sun having set quite a while ago now. He seemed to be thinking about something, like he wanted to let whatever it was out but wasn’t sure. I knew that look. I’d been showing it a lot recently around Mikey and Clarissa. I was a little confused, however, with why Gerard was using it around me.

“Mikey told me something,” he finally blurted out.

“What did he say?”

“You can’t tell him I told you,” Gerard quickly intervened. “But I feel like I need to bring it up before it gets uhh... weird.”

“Okay?” My heart was suddenly racing a lot faster than it had been during the entire movie. I had a gut feeling I knew what he was about to say, and I was thankful he’d left the light off. I mean, I wasn’t even sure why I was embarrassed. After all, I’d never told anyone that I was dating Gerard. It wasn’t my fault if that’s what others wanted to falsely spread around.

“He told me there’s a rumour flying around at your school about how you and I are uhh... like, dating, or whatever. He said the story changes depending on who’s telling it.” I was ready for my cheeks to begin their glowing but instead, I felt as my face was drained of colour. “I mean obviously that isn’t true. Mind you, Mikey had been hard to convince otherwise...”

“What did he say about it?”

“Uhh... it doesn’t matter. Nothing bad. About you.”

“I’m tired of all the rumours. I’m tired of being known as the girl pining over Mikey. It’s funny that since he started dating Clarissa, that’s what everyone now remembers. It was never that we were a thing, it was that he never wanted me to begin with and I wouldn’t leave him alone. But it wasn’t like that.”

“I believe you.” I had Gerard’s eyes on me again. His expression was making me nervous. “It’s a good thing you’re so lovely... or people might be inclined to believe this new rumour about you, too.” His hand moved to pull at his hair and I lost his focus once more. “It doesn’t have a chance.”

“Why do you say that?” I asked, noting the clear downfall in his mood.

“Well... because people like you don’t date people like me, and vice versa. You’re a good girl. I have a reputation.” I sort of understood where he was coming from. I knew he’d have been around, and I certainly hadn’t. It wasn’t necessarily by choice, mind you, but more by circumstance. People always thought I belonged to Mikey. Like a person could belong to another. No one wanted what someone else already owned. What I didn’t understand was the way Gerard’s words had taken a direct jab at my heart. I didn’t understand why I had tears in my eyes. I didn’t understand the pain.

“Are you okay?” he asked softly, bringing his hand up to rest on my shoulder. “I didn’t mean it like you’re undesirable, or something. I just meant... well we’re two very different people. It’s important that you understand that. It’s not because of who you are. I just don’t really... date.”

“I’m just tired,” I said, moving so my back was against his pillows on the wall once more, closing my eyes so I didn’t have to face his concern.

“You can sleep here again if you want. I don’t mind taking the couch... or I can stay. It’s up to you,” he offered, and I thought on it for a moment. Mikey and I used to share a mattress all the time, and that always felt normal to me. I missed having that comfort every weekend. I almost needed it.

“I’d like to sleep here... if you stayed. It’d be nice.” I felt my face heating up as I agreed to his suggestion, daringly opening my eyes a little to catch a little smile on his lips.

“I’ll grab you something to wear.” I felt as he got up and watched his silhouette as he wandered around in the dark for clothes, stopping midway through to take his medication.

“What’s that for?” I asked, but he didn’t reply.

“I found you my boxers and an old shirt. I haven’t worn either in a while, if that helps...” He handed them to me and left the room so I could change, which I did with my eyes on the door the whole time. He was getting changed in the bathroom.

I was already under Gerard’s sheets before he came back in, closing the door gently behind himself, perhaps thinking I was already asleep. He sat down gently on the bed and then carefully moved to lay beside me, rolling over to face my way, his fingertips gently touching my back.

“Goodnight. Let me know if you get uncomfortable,” he said, though I wasn’t entirely sure what he meant by it.

“Night, Gerard.” Everything was silent for a moment as I buried myself further in his sheets, enjoying the way they smelt. I felt my eyes drooping, and warm breath on my neck. A pair of lips briefly replaced it, making a small noise as they parted from my skin. And I smiled. Sleeping beside Gerard was clearly going to be a different experience to sleeping beside Mikey, and I wasn’t sure I minded at all.


	11. Eleven

I’d almost forgotten where I was until I heard a groan beside me, and turned to find Gerard with his hands in his hair, pulling in places as he groaned again. He noticed my staring then as he opened one tired eye, screwed up his nose, and then closed his eye once more.

“I can move if you wanna get up,” he offered, but I shook my head and assumed he got my answer as he didn’t move an inch. He was asleep again within the minute, which I found simply amazing, and I listened to his gentle breathing until I found sleep once more.

When I next awoke, Gerard was no longer beside me. I took a moment to change back into my own clothes and left what Gerard had lent me on the end of his bed, unsure as to whether he’d notice them in the chaos that was his bedroom. As I made my way down the hallway I could hear hushed voices, slowly gaining volume.

“I can’t believe you slept with Alison.” Mikey’s tone couldn’t have been more condescending if he’d tried.

“Would you shut up before mum hears you?” Gerard snapped “It wasn’t like that. I think she just wanted some company.”

“Why would she want your company? You guys are like, polar opposites. She isn’t your type.”

“Oh?” I snuck a little closer to the kitchen where they were arguing to get a better listen. “And how the fuck would you know, exactly? You guys hardly talk anymore. You’re tearing her apart.”

“That’s none of your business.”

“It is when I’m the one she comes crying to.”

“You’re gonna hurt her,” Mikey whispered so quietly I’d almost missed it.

“I couldn’t do as good a job of that as you have recently.” I heard the scratching of a chair against the wooden floorboards and a moment later, Gerard was in my face. He looked a little angry, but the feeling seemed to leave him as he registered who I was.

“I sure hope we didn’t wake you,” he said, guiltily, looking down to the floor.

“Sort of.”

“Listen uhh, I gotta head out for a while. Help yourself to coffee and breakfast.”

“I will, thanks.” Gerard hadn’t yet walked off. He was still standing close enough for me to believe he had something else to say.

“Are you busy tonight?” he managed to get out, looking back up at me as I answered.

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“There’s a party at Tino’s and I think it’s a good idea if you come with me. You might learn something.” His voice was being strangled by some invisible emotion. I wasn’t sure what he meant. Was he taking a jab at me for being a good girl, or did he mean something else? In the end, he smiled at me, which was at least a little reassuring.

“Okay...” He walked off then and left me wondering what he’d meant. I sighed and went to join Mikey in the kitchen, ignoring him as he ignored me and pouring myself a cup of coffee. I didn’t particularly like it, but every now and then it was a nice change from juice.

We sat across from one another at the table and sipped from our mugs, staring at the floor, the walls, at anything besides one another.

“Why didn’t you tell me you like my brother?” Mikey suddenly asked. The question brought immediate panic to my thoughts. I hoped Gerard hadn’t heard his silly question, until I realised that Mikey had probably told Gerard his assumption earlier in the morning. I imagined that may have started their argument, because really, who wanted me pining over them?

“I don’t like Gerard,” I said, though upon saying it, wasn’t entirely sure just how true that was. I appreciated him being there and enjoyed his company, which to me, was nothing more than friends. But then I recalled the feeling of his lips on the back of my neck, and the way his hair fell in his face all the time, and how if I had to pick a favourite shade of green, I’d find it in his eyes. The blush that had crept onto my face seemed to tell Mikey much more than I’d intended to. I listened as he sighed.

“It’s not that I’m bothered. Not like that. Just... be careful.” I didn’t reply. How could I? I’d never known Gerard to be a dangerous person around others. Mikey always complained that he was worried about him not having come home on the weekend but when he did waltz in through the front door on the Monday afternoon, he was always plain old Gerard. Nothing ever changed with him. I’d never have questioned his actions at all had it not been for Mikey’s worry over him.  
It was a funny thing; my closet could be overflowing with clothes in different colours and styles and yet when I had to go somewhere, it felt pretty much empty. My eyes skimmed over the various dresses I had until I settled on one I hadn’t worn in a while, simply because I never really had an occasion. It was a little too dressy for just hanging out, yet not the right kind of dressy to make it appropriate for actually going somewhere nice. It could work for a trashy party at a stranger’s house, I thought, slipping it on and doing the zip up the side. I looked myself over in the mirror and somewhat approved. I wanted to look tough. I wanted to look dangerous. After applying my makeup with a little more precision than usual, I was almost there.

I couldn’t cry. No, not now that I’d done my mascara. Truth be told, I’d never look like anyone but myself. I was simply too… me. I felt an ache deep in my chest at the thought of that… that I’d never be a certain type. I’d never fit in with the clique that smoked in the school bathroom and slept around on the weekends with older boys named Gerard.

I stood around in the hallway as I waited for Gerard to knock on the door, my feet already hurting from the heels I’d borrowed from my mum, who’d never know I was even out. My eye caught the family portrait of my parents and I that sat on the little table in the corner beside the door that should have had my mother’s car keys resting on it. I was too young to have lost my father. I wondered what he’d have thought of my attire. I almost wanted to be told off for so desperately wishing to fit in with a crowd I knew already to be bad news.

But there was a knock at the door, and my face lit up once more. I’d have to remember to tell myself off when I got home.

**Author's Note:**

> Below you will find a tutorial to make an origami Alexander Swallowtail Butterfly. You will need 20 minutes and a square piece of paper.  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBf7O17heoY


End file.
